Majdanek

Before we went to Majdanek, we were in Krakow for a day and night. We saw the grand synagogues the Jews had built, we saw the remnants of the ghetto wall that look like rows of tombstones. It was raining the whole time we were in Krakow. We went to a really nicely done, small museum about the Jews of Krakow. "It would be a treachery to those who lived here to remember only their deaths and not their lives." So we learned about their lives.

Majdanek.

"You'll have to read these things for yourself. I don't feel comfortable saying them out loud." -Shlomo, our tour guide

The smell here is making me feel sick. It doesn't remind me of track meets or grass. It is very misty and dark. Crows are everywhere, caw-cawing ominously.

Majdanek is within the city of Lublin. Houses built after the war border up against the Majdanek barbed wire. Apartments a few blocks away overlook the entire camp.

People saw what was going on here! What were they thinking!

Now the sun is filtering through the humid air. It makes the place look like a Hollywood movie--the only things clearly in focus are those directly in front of you.

This barrack is filled entirely with shoes. No one is speaking.

This is a stable for 54 horses. But they made 500 humans sleep here.

There was a reserve general who gave his soldiers a choice. If someone didn't want to partake in the murder, he didn't have to.

Along with that general, only one soldier chose not to participate.

It smells like barbecue in the crematorium. The ovens have large openings for burning the maximum number of bodies possible.

"May our fate be your warning." on the monument that houses the pile of ashes

Every window of every apartment I can see right now has a clear view of this pile of ashes.

Can "how?" be an emotion? It is not sadness nor anger which I am feeling today. Bewilderment is close, I suppose. I walk with my arms at my side and my palms facing forward asking, How?

Poland

The Polish countryside is carpeted with thick, dark forests. I can almost imagine people hiding in them, I can almost see their faces between the trees.

In each small town, the smoke stacks and ornate churches are the prominent features.

Auschwitz. 7/5/11

I'm surprised that being at Auschwitz doesn't make people nicer. Tourists from all over the world are more pushy, loud, and obnoxious than usual. The lines are very long.

The place just looks like a museum. I feel uneasy about being here only because of the emotions the name Auschwitz elicits and not because of how it looks or smells or feels.

ARBEIT MACHT FREI

Jews made the sign. The B was installed upside down as a call for help; "something is wrong here," it says. It reminds me of the upside down "3" that was spray painted on the doorway to the third level of my freshman year dorm from the stairwell. That 3 always bothered me.

The only way to exit was through the chimney of the crematoriums.

We are given headphones. The tour guide's voice has a rapid pace and a thick Polish accent. "Here, the SS doctors conducted illegal medical experiments," she says as if on an infomercial. How does she do this every day?

"About 2,400,000 people were murdered in this camp. About 200,000 people survived."

Sometimes the train journey would last 7-10 days without food or water. At what point do you just want to die? How was the will to live so, so unthinkably strong? Is it human instinct to think that you will be the outlier? That if anyone can make it, it will be you?

What am I living for? Would my reasons pass the test?

I teared up just now, when I saw Josh sobbing at the sight of the confiscated talitot. Sometimes it takes seeing emotion in someone else to draw it out of myself.

The shoes aren't all the same black, dirty leather, flat sole I was expecting. There are all colors and fashions, sandals, heels, everything. I even thought, oh, those are cute.

A room of hair and make up brushes.

None of the signs have the correct apostrophes and it bothers me.

Before Auschwitz grew too large, prisoners were photographed, like a mug shot. And now we are looking into their eyes.

Their uniforms weren't warm enough for the winter.

They look like skeletons but with very, very sad facial expressions.

I've only been here an hour or so and I already feel myself shutting down. I can't open my mind up to the possibility of this tragedy. I can't accept that people were starved and tortured by the millions and stripped of all their possessions and family and dignity. I am standing on a street where people died of exhaustion and cold during unbearably long roll calls. How?

No one in the group is speaking. Besides when they're all asleep, this has never happened. They are comforting each other.

This really puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

The Standing Cell.

I don't understand how they thought up these punishments. I could never in a million years devise such horrors. If they wanted to kill people, why didn't they just do it? Why did they make them suffocate or drop dead from standing, exhaustion, starvation, cold disease, overcrowding..

Shiri told the story of her grandfather. He didn't have fingernails. He had burns on his body from a guard's cigarette.

Someone took a picture of us sitting as a group. We are a symbol here.

Scratch marks on the walls of the gas chamber, and a Magen David etched in the concrete wall too.

The crematorium ovens look like brick pizza ovens but they are long enough to accommodate bodies.

Birkenau.

They didn't just want to kill people, they wanted to terrorize people.

Yuval was holding his Tanach and I asked, what are you reading? I just want to hold it, he said.

Imagine getting elected on Hitler's platform, on the basis of exterminating an entire people.

The air here smells like it does at a track meet in May--cool, grassy, sunscreeny. We are holding water bottles and wearing sneakers. I'm ready for the triple jump.

The reconstructed barracks smell like musty wood and sunscreen too.

There is an endless expanse of brick chimneys left from when they hastily burned down the wood barracks to eliminate the evidence. It looks like a graveyard, or ancient ruins.

The Selection Process: which line would I be in?

I don't want to touch anything here. I wish I could hover from above so that not even my feet would have to make contact. Death is everywhere.

"It's very creepy to sleep next to dead bodies," Shlomo says about the barracks.

A main goal of the medical experiments was to find efficient ways to sterilize women. Ovaries were torn from their bodies without anesthesia.

Me: Everywhere I go, I keep taking pictures because I need to show my parents.

Matt: I need to show my children.

It's so peaceful here now. It's quiet except for feet shuffling on the gravel paths and the murmur of quiet voices. Birds are chirping and guides are giving tours in different languages. I am tired from walking all day. I'm also very calm. I am in such disbelief that the enormity of what happened here is not hitting me.

The grass is high. I'm worried about getting ticks. Is it wrong to complain now? After seeing this, how can I say- I'm cold, tired, hungry, or crowded? How can I say a room smells bad or my feet hurt or this food tastes terrible?

I brought 2.5 Minute Ride (by Lisa Kron) with me (thanks, Adina) and I'm reading it. I think I'll send Lisa Kron an email tonight (I did, she responded).

The ashes of the people who had been murdered were dumped on ponds and rivers and fields, as fertilizer.

After having their head shaved, starving, and wearing new ill fitting uniforms, people were often unrecognizable to close friends and family.

"I want to be remembered wearing a suit." --Andrew, pointing at a wall of pictures of Holocaust victims from before the Holocaust. There is a glamorous couple depicted, in a suit and a fancy dress. God knows what they looked like when they died. But I'll remember them looking like movie stars.

It's scary, but I sometimes wish we could simulate life in a camp for just one day. Just to get one iota of understanding. Because we can't imagine. We can't imagine what it was like to go to the bathroom where thousands had already gone, and only for a few seconds. Or to never feel warm during the winter, or to hear the last breath of the person sleeping next to you, or to live off 15o calories per day.

Why am I able to walk out of here? Why do I deserve to leave?

Terezin

Her name was Irene. She was a survivor of Terezin, one of the few who stayed there until the war was over. She was born in Bohemia in Poland, the 2nd biggest Jewish community in the country. Her family was very assimilated.

She went with her family on the train to Terezin, but no one knew where it was going. Can you imagine getting on a train with your family without a clue where it's going?

In Terezin, people were never alone. There was always someone on top of you, underneath you.

Her sister survived Bergen Belsen.

"It was very hard after the war. No country wanted us."

Now, Irene said, most people living in Terezin have no idea what happened there. She has visited several times. Once she asked a local if he had ever seen a Jew. He said no. Then she said, "I am one, and these women are all Jews." He said, "But they look like us."

Now Irene lives in Israel and identifies as Israeli. When a pilgrim asked Irene, "how old were you when you were brought here?" she said, "One doesn't ask a woman about her age."

After meeting Irene, and while walking through the museum, I wrote down these notes:

Why do we need to talk to survivors?

What does the art made in the ghetto express?

The secret art itself was a form of resistance.

Brundibar--Children's Theater

Religious life also endured; there were lectures, services, funerals, burials

Education and cultural events were escapes from the misery of every day life--the people were able to feel dignified.

They were determined, in all conditions, to live like humans.

Next, we walked into a small, hidden room. It was the synagogue. On the walls, prayers and songs were painted, many of which I knew well. "Know before whom you stand." "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand lose its cunning, let my mouth cleave to the roof of my mouth, if I do not put Jerusalem above my highest joy." "Our brothers, of the entire House of Israel, who find themselves in jeopardy or entrapped, whether on sea or land, may God have compassion upon them and bring them forth from trouble to relief, from gloom to light, and from tyranny to redemption, urgently, and let us say, amen."

"With all of this we have not forgotten your name and we hope you have not forgotten us."

The group broke spontaneously into song. I don't remember who started it, but we all joined in and sang the songs on the wall. I learned the same songs when I went on Pilgrimage myself in 2008. In 2008, we sang the songs with the captive soldiers in mind. When I went home to America, I sang the songs with Pilgrimage in mind. When I went on Nativ, I sang the songs with America in mind. When I came to Cornell, I sang the songs with Nativ in mind. And then I sang them in Terezin.

And I thought, every time I have sung these songs before in my life has been in preparation for this moment.

How could people have sustained their faith in Terezin? In that tiny synagogue? I hear this sentence in my head, "With all of this we have not forgotten your name and we hope you have not forgotten us," and I wonder how that is possible.

We cried. I saw our tour guide Shlomo tearing up, and I lost it. Sometimes it takes emotion from someone else to draw it out of myself. I thought about all the other places I had been with those songs, all the other people I had been with. I thought about the men who stood huddled in this room years before sining the same words.

It was the only time I really cried in Europe. There were a few times when my face got hot or my throat closed up or I managed to squeeze a tear from the corner of my eye, but this was everyone together, shaking.

The Terezin Cemetery:

It started raining a little bit during the ceremony, and I am chilly now but I don't mind. The rain and wind blew out the candle during Mourner's Kaddish. Everyone is crying. The cemetery didn't affect me like the synagogue did.

Remembering Europe

I am ready to face my experiences in Europe over this past summer, and I will do that by typing up my notes from the places we visited. The notes may be disjointed, and I am not going to include personal details. But hopefully going through my "Notes and Quotes" book will help me understand my journey through Eastern Europe and--distantly, because I don't believe comprehension is possible--the Holocaust. If this is hard for you to read, sorry I'm not sorry. People need to know what happened.

Berlin

6/29/11

Today we sat on benches in Tier Garden where Jews were not allowed to sit under the Nurenberg Laws. We ate kosher bagged lunches. I asked about the German coke and Jules Gutin said it had a lot of gas. Ha.

Gay Memorial: Each group's story is different. Just imagine that-showing love and affection was criminal.

Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe(cement boxes): What do people passing by think they are looking at?

It's like the maze in Harry Potter IV, you lose yourself in it. It looks like a cemetery. You can't tell what's going on from the outside. Suddenly it feels like you don't know how to get out. Isolation, no writing, no names, lost identity.

[Resist War, Defend Peace.

Through science to justice.]

Only 2% of visitors at the Jewish Museum in Berlin are Jewish. Our tour guide's name is Karsten Kreiger, "The Christian Warrior." He is fantastic.

Humboldt Universitaet: Where they burn books, eventually they will burn people.

Why do Christian Germans serve as tour guides at these places?

"It happened, therefore it can happen again. This is the core of what we have to say." -Primo Levi

Our tour guide's grandfather was a "Nazi until the day he died" but still he loved his grandfather so much. This was extremely difficult for our tour guide to reconcile.

"Why war still? Why hunger still? Why a world still?" Oskar Rosenfeld

"For what and for whom do I carry on this whole pursuit of life, enduring, holding out--for what?"

"We would so love to live but they won't let us and we will die."

How should we react to the grandchildren of our enemies??

Grunevald Station: In 1944, it was written, "From this place, people were sent away." Well, yes. 56,000 Jews were sent to their deaths.

On the road: bathroom attendant at a rest stop in Germany speaks Hebrew

View of Dresden from the bus: long, red buildings, old castles, churches, beautiful

Praha, July 3rd, 2011

We met up with a group of Israeli girls who are here for a dance competition. They sang happy birthday to Jessica, and Zach took pictures with them. Then they danced for us, they were very cute.

"You cannot be passive about your Judaism; you cannot be passive about making the world a better place." --Shlomo Molcho

At Chevre Kadisha: Sickness represents a call to help one's fellow human beings. This is why medical intervention to heal the sick is not seen as a negation of God's will but as a religious duty.

My subgroup was invited to write down notes in my journal. Here is what they wrote:

"When we were at the Vansee Conference location, people were annoyed about how pretty it was and were saying things like, 'I wish it was ugly or rundown,' or, 'we should spit on it.' But would it really be better that way?

"How can we celebrate our birthdays if we know that so many people suffered on those very same days?"

"How did 15 people in a room at Vansee determine the fates of millions? How did they feel they had that right?"

Terezin, Czech Republic, 7/4/11:

Population 2011: 7,000

30,000-40,000 Jews lived here by force

Jews had their own currency system in the Ghetto. There was a propaganda movie made in the Ghetto--Holocaust denial during the Holocaust. The city was moated and walled.

Subconscious thought brought to the surface: in the scope of 6 million, 5 is nothing. 50 is little, 500 is not that bad.

Men and women were not allowed to live together or have intercourse.

I saw a bird in the town square picking at an apple core. That would have been a person.

Starvation in the ghettos: people became weak, susceptible to disease, 196 average deaths per day.

SO MUCH DECEPTION

Jews focused on education in the Ghetto. The intelligensia read to the kids and taught them in private.

Once the commander of Terezin found out all the Jews were destined to die anyway, he let them do what they wanted, cultural life flourished.

In the sleeping quarters: up to 400 people lived in this room, but we (50 of us) can barely fit into a third of it, standing. No showers, no bathrooms, no radios. Lice. Hanging from a bed post--a pale blue dress with a Jude star on it. They wore colors?

While they made their beds and got dressed in the morning, they also had to remove dead bodies.

Jews here had a secret newspaper. The children put on operas, there were classical music concerts, people wrote original songs, poems, plays. A lot of creations were brought with deportees to the camps because they didn't know what was going to happen.

Survivor of Terezin, Irene: This woman was touring the museum at the same time as us. Our tour guide begged and pleaded with her to come and talk to us. Once she started talking, she couldn't stop.

Those who can, sleep. Those who cannot, blog.

It is past midnight and I have a prelim in Human Biology and Evolution tomorrow (what up lactase promoter sequence mutations) but there is just oh so much excitement in my life that I cannot sleep!

What is all this excitement, you ask? Wellllllll

1. I might appear on MTV across from sex columnist Dan Savage

2. Kappa Delta just announced that I have TWO WEEKS to find THREE GIRLS attractive Jewish dates for date night

3. I changed my profile picture today (thanks Rachies!) and I've been refreshing my facebook frequently in the hopes of receiving positive feedback

4. I have 5 classes tomorrow, including a lab, and an E-Board meeting for Hillel, and lab makes me nervous

5. When I say lab makes me nervous, I actually mean that my blood pressure remains in the "heavy workout zone" for approximately an hour after the chemistry has been completed and cleaned up

6. I am simply not ready for it to be October

7. I need to learn my Torah portion for Rosh Hashanah!

8. I've selected my wedding song (but not the person I'm wedding)...hope my groom likes Rascal Flatts

9. I went to see "Midnight in Paris" with Adina on Saturday and we sat in the couple's seat in the non-profit indie movie theater

10. I've attended so many meetings in the last week my head is going to explode--enough with the opinions, people! If you feel strongly about things and have many opinions, do what I do. Get a blog and shove the link in everyone's face LATER, don't talk your face off at a meeting when everyone's got shit to do

11. I attended Sammy Date Night last night (thanks for taking me, Andrew!) and it was exciting because....I ATE SALMON AND I DIDN'T HATE IT! I even put salmon on the fork with mashed potatoes all at the same time and it was BETTER than each of those things on their own! Wow!!

Eleven seems like a pretty solid number so I'm going to end it here and hope that my cyber rant has alleviated my mind from the burden of trying to sort out all of the excitement in my life.

Laila tov

Riding the Struggle Bus

This morning I woke up with a start at 7:35am, which appeared in my mind as 8:35am. I got dressed in a huff, checked my email before I ran out the door, and noticed that my morning alarm had just started to beep. At this point, I was not an hour late, but an hour early.

I attempted to go back to sleep for a half hour and failed, probably due to trying to maintain my hair and make up, which I'd already done. Now I have an extra half hour in my day so I decided to blog about my other struggles.

First of all, let me say that this whole 9am class thing is not ideal. I did it last semester too, and said I never would again. I am just bad at waking up. The good news is that my first class is physics and the professor is beyond adorable and has a great Swedish accent, so that's okay.

Second of all, I do not really understand the electron orbital stuff we're doing in chem right now and I need Juhi to teach me. This girl literally stands at the Struggle Bus Stop every day and picks me up after school. What would I do without her!

Third of all, I have about 80,000 emails I need to send for my responsibilities as an RA, on Hillel board, and trying to find a research position. Sending one email is nothing, but the daunting task of sending 80,000 just seems like it will take forever and I am putting it off. BUT NOT TONIGHT! Tonight, I message!

Fourth, my ear is still plugged. I don't know if this is something I am just going to have to learn to live with or not, but it is a little annoying to always have your left ear popping in and out and then returning to a plugged state. Hmph.

Fifth, the Palestinian Authority is unilaterally declaring statehood at the UN tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I just want peace.

Sixth, I dreamt about my kitties last night and I MISS them ever so much. I know it isn't realistic for me to think that I could care for animals while at college, but I so wish that I could keep some kitties in my room. (Now that I think of it, I also dreamt that I went to a tzniut dress shop and a video rental store, I visited my mom's old dorm at UB, and the elevator flipped onto its side halfway through the ride and began to go sideways as part of its route. Hmmmmm)

Seventh, I forgot to stock up and now I am left without a hun-cal Chewy bar for my breakfast.

Sit with me on the Sruggle Bus?

WE'RE BAAAAAAAACK

Title of this post dedicated to Adina II because she likes to make fun of people who make "WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK" the title of their back-to-college facebook albums.

Here are some fun things going on:

1. I am taking physics, chemistry, human biology & evolution, and statistics

2. I am tutoring a biology supplementary class--the same one I took last semester and LOVED

3. I am eating my dinners at Kappa Delta and enjoying sorority life greatly (Chef Wendy is an angel in disguise)

4. I went to an Episcopalian service yesterday evening and I recognized several items on the agenda: a) Joyful Joyful from Sister Act, b) "Sing a new song to the Lord, for He has worked wonders" from Kabbalat Shabbat (mizmor shiru la'shem shir chadash), c) We read a portion from Exodus! I really appreciated what was going on during the service and I liked the organ. It was a cool vibe. The Reverend gave a sermon on the part of Exodus where God kills all of the Egyptian first borns. He said, most of the time I just skip over this passage because it is hard to understand, but today I will attempt to grapple with it. He gave a few different perspectives of fellow Christian leaders and it seemed like it was a rare thing for him to question a word of God. This made me really fall in love with Judaism again for a few reasons. First, it is the entire POINT of Judaism to question the word of God. Second, we have such a long tradition of commentary that there is no letter in the Tanach without a second and third meaning. I wanted to raise my hand and say, well, Reverend, did you check out what Rashi has to say about that line? Or any number of other commentators? Third, I really appreciated that my Jewish upbringing has included youth group and college services, which both include STUDENTS giving dvrei torah (sermons) to STUDENTS. It means so much more to me now that there aren't rabbis calling the pages at our services or giving us speeches on what THEY think the Torah means. It's awesome that it all comes from other students.

5. I'm working with the Women's Organization At Hillel to plan amazing Rosh Chodesh programming this semester!! Including leading a session at the Women of Color Conference at Cornell in November!

6. Kappa Delta mixed with Sigma Alpha Mu last night and it was epic.

7. All I want to do is listen to country music all day erry day.

8. Being an RA in Risley is A-MAZANG. I love it. I love this building, I love the people, I love the art shop, I love living in a single, I love my residents, I love making bulletin boards, I love everything. Except getting called to do a lock-out.

9. Human Biology and Evolution is a sick class. We are learning about HIV and lactose tolerance and creationism and all kinds of really relevant topics!

10. My position on Risley RA staff is faculty fellow coordinator, so lately I've been dining and meeting with some of the most fantastic/bizarre/cultured people on campus. Did I mention I love my job? Oh yeah, also my boss, Barnaby, is super duper funny.

11. Meeting freshmen is great. I feel like I have such a grip on my life when I explain to them how I got involved in stuff and what I'm doing now. There are so many little Jewish gap-year girls that I am getting close to! I feel like I have a special connection with them, but also other freshmen. In general, I really like the new students that I've met!!

12. My best friends from freshmen year have scattered, but the good news is: we still see each other, we still love each other. The long distance is hard (Rachel and I used to be about 20 rooms away on the same floor and Adina was just below us), but we are figuring it out. And using cars!

13. Babysitting for L- again is great! She teaches me so much about life.

14. Went "swimming" at Treman State Park with Adina, Julia, Maddy, and Sam, and last week I walked up a waterfall with L-, also there is a gorge behind Risley where we ate lunch once!

15. Highlights from Risley: Soul Power Dance Party, Bro Night

16. Currently crocheting a kippah, soon I will start crocheting gold wire!

Basically, everything feels really under control right now and I'm having a lot of fun. I have many problem sets and lots to read, but it's okay because I still have enough time to see my friends and frat it up. Conveniently, those activities often occur in the same place at the same time. Life is good, Ithaca is gorges, my friends are the best, Cornell is perfect.